Depression and anxiety are a fierce combination. They are a strong force that I can’t fight off. I’m at one of the lowest points in my life. I can’t leave my house. Just the thought of being around people sends me into a panic. I’ve had to cancel social functions, appointments and other plans– both last minute and for the near future. I told my husband and mom to count me out of any plans coming up in the next few weeks. I hate canceling. I know I can’t help how I’m feeling and I try my best to show up, but the process I go through isn’t easy.
The last time I was supposed to attend a social function, I knew I wasn’t in a good mindset, but I forced myself to get out of bed and in the shower. It was something important, and I wanted to be there. I ended up having a full blown panic attack in the shower. It was an awful and scary experience. I was home by myself, so I had to crawl out of shower because I was afraid I’d pass out. After awhile, I called my mom. I could hardly speak because I still wasn’t breathing well, and she had to cancel my plans for me. It took a long time for me to come down from the panic attack. Once my breathing and heart rate were close to normal, I got overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I can’t stand disappointing my loved ones. I immediately think they’ll hold it against me. I do hope they try to understand. I’m not doing this on purpose. I hate feeling this way, but I can’t help it. I’m trying to do what I can to get better, but it’s not a simple fix. Believe me, I wish it was.
My other big issue at the moment aside from being homebound is the inability to initiate conversation. I get anxious when I think about calling or texting someone. I can talk to my husband and my mom, but that’s it. This is how bad it’s become. The loop of negative thoughts continues to circle my mind. I’m uncomfortable in my own skin. I constantly feel judged. I second guess every decision I make, no matter how big or small.
Praying that this will pass.