We are all emotional beings. The experiences in our lives make us feel so many different emotions. Living with a chronic illness has made me more emotional than I ever was. I feel so much not just in a week but every single day. Here’s only some of what I feel on a daily basis:
1. Frustrated. Work frustrates me to no end, but when I’m in pain, I get frustrated easily since I can’t do what I used to be able to do. Can’t pick this up, can’t sleep through the night, can’t make it to the party. GRR.
2. Annoyed. I get annoyed at loud or abrupt noises, changing temperatures, bright lights, and strong smells. They affect me more than they used to.
3. Sad. The only time I leave my house is to work. I don’t see my family and friends anymore and it upsets me. They don’t bother with me and I understand why, but it makes me sad. Being in pain makes me sad in general. It’s not fun, and there are plenty of times when it makes me cry.
4. Worthless. Most of the time I feel like there’s no point in living. I failed at my career and I’m unhappy with my job situation. I’m in constant pain and it keeps me from doing things I enjoy, and I’m losing touch with loved ones. My life is headed nowhere.
5. Grateful. When I begin to feel worthless, I remember I have a husband, cat, and a few close family members. I am grateful to have them and I have to keep telling myself that I do have some people who care. It helps that worthless feeling fade away.
6. Anxious. I’ve had general anxiety since college, but every day I get anxious about pretty much everything. If I know it’s going to be a long day (or week) at work, I get anxious because I’m worried about my pain and how bad it might get. If I have to travel or go to an event I get anxious that I won’t feel well or enjoy myself. I never thought pain could cause so much anxiety.
7. Angry. Being in pain makes me angry. It’s a terrible feeling and I don’t know how or why I have this. I get angry that nothing helps me enough, and that I have to work full time which makes it worse. I also get angry at people who don’t think Fibro is real, or the ones who think they’re experts and tell me if I try this magical pill I’ll be cured. Just stop.
8. Hopeful. I become hopeful for a tolerable pain day in the near future, for a change in lifestyle, and for more research and better treatments.
9. Exhausted. I’m physically and mentally exhausted every day. This is a feeling that does not go away, regardless of how well I slept or how much I rested on my day off. Pain, anxiety, stress, migraines, work… Yeah, exhaustion is permanent.
10. Ashamed. I don’t enjoy having to tell people I don’t feel well. If I can’t make it somewhere, of course I have to say something. It’s not an easy conversation to have and I still never know how to explain that I’m in severe pain. I’m ashamed to say it, especially at my age. I know the person on the other end thinks I’m being lazy or dramatic or just making an excuse.
I’m sure some of you Fibro Fighters can relate.
Thanks for reading.