Acceptance

I worked Monday and Tuesday this week and on Wednesday I went to Boston with my husband. We took the train in and arrived around 11, checked in to the hotel, had lunch, and went back to the hotel for a couple hours to rest. Around 4 we had dinner and drinks then went to the Red Sox game. We had a great time and it felt SO good to be away. We could only afford to stay one night, so Thursday morning we checked out, had lunch, then took the train home. I thought I was very smart on this trip. We took a cab to and from the train station/hotel, and our hotel was barely a 2 minute walk to Fenway Park. I did that on purpose so I didn’t wear myself out. When I woke up in the hotel Thursday I felt like I got hit by a bus. My guess was I was stiff from the 2 and 1/2 hour train ride and the hard seats at Fenway. I kind of expected to feel yucky that morning though. But it continued to get worse. The train ride home was so uncomfortable and of course it felt like forever until we got home. I went to bed early that night since I felt terrible, but I also had to work at 8 am the next morning.

Friday morning I still felt like hell. Luckily I only worked 8-2. Problem was I had plans to go see Taylor Swift in concert on Saturday at Metlife Stadium in New Jersey. She got tickets nearly a year ago for both of us and a bunch of her family members and I didn’t realize the Boston trip and Taylor Swift were in the same week. Also, when I agreed to go to the concert, my pain wasn’t nearly what it is now. To be honest, I was worried about the concert for awhile. I love Taylor Swift and I love my friend. It was everything else. The venue is an hour and a half away, but on top of it, we were going to leave around noon, meet up with her family, then head to the venue to tailgate before the show. There’s an 8 hour day right there before the concert even starts. So Saturday morning arrives and I’m crying in pain. There is no possible way I can go to this thing. I dreaded telling my friend, who was psyched for the concert, but I had no choice. Luckily, she wasn’t mad. She felt bad that I was in so much pain. Her family was going so at least it didn’t effect her as much. I just felt bad canceling on such a big event.

As I said, these plans were made almost a year ago which is why I was in that predicament. I don’t actually go anywhere but work and home anymore. As for Boston, that was booked well in advance too. But I went with my husband and I moved at my own pace. Sadly, I still paid for it. I can’t have fun for one night without suffering the consequences of pain, no matter how many precautions I take. It sucks. The reality is my life has changed completely. I can’t work and have a social life because my body can’t handle it. Work exhausts me and causes me great pain. Sometimes people will ask me to go somewhere after work and I’m like “are they out of their freakin’ minds?” I can’t wrap my head around the fact that people have the energy to go out after work, or to work all week and have all these big weekend plans. It hurts me just to think about it.

So yesterday, as I was laying in bed all day on a gorgeous summer Saturday while the rest of the world was at the beach, taking walks, and seeing Taylor Swift in concert, I sadly accepted my new life. I’ve gone through the stages of grief and finally reached acceptance. My name is Kristin and I have fibromyalgia. I suffer from widespread chronic pain, fatigue, depression, and frequent migraines. I am not the same person I was even last year. My relationships with my family and friends aren’t the same. I barely talk to them anymore. My husband and parents are the only ones I associate with. My husband helps me as much as he can when he’s not working, and my parents (mostly my mom) check in and try to help as well. I wouldn’t have spoken with my friend if it weren’t for the concert. The other few friends I have are too busy with their lives, doing fun things (as they should) so I don’t hear from them. Even my other family members don’t call anymore. They all know about my pain but clearly they don’t care. I’ve been there for everyone through all the good and the bad. I’ve never given up on my loved ones. So in addition to everything else, I’m heartbroken.

I’m going to spend my day off in bed again and get as much rest as I can to prepare for 40 hours of work on my feet. *sigh*… I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Thanks for reading.

2 thoughts on “Acceptance

  1. I don’t leave my house much except for an occasional family party, lunch with my BFF and doctor’s visits and food shopping. A small shopping trip. Birthday party coming up this weekend. Grandson, have to go.

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