On June 9, my husband and I will have been married for 10 months already. Of course we frequently get the “When are you having kids?” question, and we are both in the same mindset: We do want children eventually, but not right now. We just bought a condo and we’re not mentally or financially ready to bring a child into the world just yet. The hard part is for me, there’s one more reason to add to that list. It’s the “physical” reason. I’m terrified to get pregnant. I don’t know what the pain will be like and to not be able to take my medications? I’d probably die. Then I think about if I possibly got past the pregnancy… to raise a child? I can’t even take care of myself. I work full-time and when I get home I crash. I get in my pajamas, scarf down some food (not necessarily a meal), and get in bed. I can’t function with the pain and exhaustion. It’s yet another thing in my life that looks like it won’t go according to plan. Honestly, we’re just getting by right now with our combined income. We’d have to have new/better positions or jobs to even think about children. I’ve been thinking about it more often lately and it’s become more real while writing this post. I know I don’t have to figure this out right now, but it’s certainly not a subject that will go away. My fibro has gotten worse over the past year. My capabilities are so limited. I can say “I wish things were different”, “I wish I wasn’t in pain”, but what’s the point? I have to learn how to live and function to the best of my ability. I try my best every day and I push myself more often than not. I have to work… I don’t have a choice. I hope to get a different job in the next couple years since working at a retail pharmacy is as mentally draining for me as it is physically. If I take the exam to become a licensed pharmacy technician I have more opportunities to look into. I have the study guides and everything but finding the time and the energy has been tough, especially lately.
Ok, I went off on a little tangent there, but it all falls within my “uncertain future” category. This wasn’t an easy post to write. It’s as if I finally faced reality and realized exactly how much fibromyalgia has impacted my life. With that said, I’m exhausted and I have to rest up for another long day tomorrow.
Thanks for reading.