I posted earlier this morning about how my night out was exhausting and painful. I have been in bed ever since. I’m posting yet again because my pain is 10x worse now. I got up to eat dinner before, and nearly fell down the stairs. One of our favorite fibro descriptions, “I feel like I got hit by a truck”, is not even appropriate for me to use right now. Maybe “I feel like I got hit by a truck, then the truck backed up and ran me over again” is more accurate. I know it’s my own fault. But it’s not like I went crazy last night. I had drinks but didn’t get drunk, I sang along to the songs and cheered, but didn’t jump up and down. I was careful about my movements because I know better. The steps to and from our seats hurt me a bit, but I use stairs in my own house every day. I sat much more than I do at work too…
It’s sad that I analyze everything, especially when I’m in a flare. I think of what caused it or what I could’ve done to prevent it. Sometimes it comes out of nowhere, but other times, like now, I blame myself. Should I have said “no” when I got the invite to the concert, knowing what that would involve? Maybe. But then fibro wins, yet again. It controls enough of my life. I’m tired of saying “no” to my friends and family all the time. But then when I say yes, I end up feeling like I do now. I can’t win either way.
I have another 40 hour work week ahead of me. I’m dreading it as usual, but I don’t know how I’m going to get through it. Of course the more I overdo it, the more pain I’m in. I hate how most people can’t understand what I go through, especially at work. Sometimes I just need a break from bending or walking so much, or pulling open that damn drive-thru window. But people are selfish. My boss scheduled me for a 9 & 1/2 hour shift, not tomorrow but next Monday. …Seriously? Yes, I want hours, but that much in one day is a lot. All I ever get is a 1/2 hour break, and even that isn’t enough. I don’t know how to get through to anyone. I didn’t complain once to my friends last night. I try not to complain at work. If we don’t say anything, do people think we’re ok? I’m at a loss. I feel like I’m going to waste away if I keep pushing myself like this.
I guess I’m done for now. I’m going to get my clothes ready for tomorrow and get back in bed. Thanks for reading my rant.