“It’s always darkest before the dawn…”

I know it may seem like an obvious thing for many people, but I’m still amazed how having chronic pain can make me so anxious and depressed. The simple formula is pain = bad, therefore mood = bad, right? In my case, it’s more than just “ugh, I have to work tomorrow and I have a flare-up and it’s going to suck”. Ok ok, that IS one of my current thoughts. What brings me down more is how often I think about my failures. I thought I was going to go to college and have a successful career doing something that I’m passionate about. Well, I DID go to college. I got a Bachelor’s degree in Music. What was I thinking?! Yes, I was involved with music since I was 13, but I wasn’t good enough to do anything with it. I thought I could maybe become a music teacher. I went to grad school for elementary education and couldn’t get a teaching job. Failure. I ended up back where I started, working at a pharmacy. My pay is even less than I was making as a tutor. I’m still paying off student loans (and so is my mom) for something that was a complete waste of time and money. I’m a married woman living in my parents house instead of my beautiful condo because the banks refused our loan (due to my employment history and bad credit). No matter what I set out to do, I fail. I’m a complete failure.

Then people say, “no you’re not, don’t say that” because they’re just being nice. It’s the truth. People can’t understand that I’m not happy. Really? I can’t even function normally. Taking a shower is like running a damn marathon. Going shopping is a nightmare. My husband tries to understand, but he doesn’t. My friends have absolutely no idea what I go through. They text me every once in a while to ask how I’m doing and I laugh thinking of how the hell to respond. My inlaws think I hate them because whenever there’s a birthday or something I miss it. I can’t work 9 hours then go and do something after. I literally feel like I got hit by a truck. Then there’s my favorite, “I hope you feel better!” UGH. I don’t have a cold, it’s not something that’s going away anytime soon. 

Props to anyone who read this post! 

“Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments, I can see no way, I can see no way…”

Kristin

6 thoughts on ““It’s always darkest before the dawn…”

  1. Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. Honestly. I too had many big plans for my future. I wanted to be a chef and run my own catering business. That failed as I couldn’t finish school. I use my talent at home for my family whenever I have the energy to do so. It makes me happy when my husband tells me how delicious the meal was. I push myself sometimes and pay for it but I think it’s worth it. Don’t stress about people not understanding what you are going through. Unfortunately they never will. I know exactly how this makes you feel. And missing functions, don’t let this bring you down. Stop worrying about how others see you. You need to focus on yourself. And you living with your parents, even though this is probably not what you planned, this doesn’t make you a failure. Think of it as support in order for not just you but for your husband to be financially ready to take the next step. At least you have that support right now. Wouldn’t it be horrible if you’re parents couldn’t be there for you? Aren’t you grateful they could help you during this time?

    You keep saying you can’t. You can!! Be positive. Easier said I know. I battle with the same thing everyday. But if you try to see everything with a light at the end of the tunnel, it makes living a whole lot easier. I completely 100% know exactly what you are dealing with. I am in the same boat. This boat is terribly rocky, unsteady and seems like it’s falling apart everyday. But if you don’t fix the boat, it will slowly sink and hard to get her back to smooth sailing if you let her go. We can’t fix this in one day, one week or even a year but we can try to fix it day by day. Some days we need a break.

    Ask yourself, what makes you happy? What have you done today to help relax the body and mind? What goals, realistic goals have you achieved? Have you laughed a good laugh today? Focus on the positive. I hope you have a good nights sleep and feel a bit refreshed tomorrow. Try to wake up and tell yourself it’s going to be a good day. It’s not going to take the aches, pain or fatigue away but it will give you a head start to a better day.

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    1. I certainly didn’t mean to sound ungrateful for my parents letting us stay with them. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. They’re the best, they truly are. But there comes a time when living together just doesn’t work anymore. (Especially when you’re married!) I’m more upset about us being delayed to move and all that goes along with it.
      As for what makes me happy, I’m in the process of trying to figure that out. Hopefully sooner than later.

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      1. I’m sure you are grateful. Wasn’t implying that you weren’t at all. Just wanted you to see the bright side. That’s all. Eventually it will happen 🙂 My dogs make me happy. Photography makes me happy. My son makes me happy. Finding things that brings enjoyment is very healing. Takes the mind of the pain and lows even if it is for a moment. Sending good vibes your way Kristen!

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      2. Sorry for the delayed response. I agree with you that finding things to enjoy can be healing. I’m very passionate about music and baseball and when I’m wrapped up in certain songs or watch my favorite team, it does help. It may not take the pain away, but at least it’s a positive distraction.

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