I know it may seem like an obvious thing for many people, but I’m still amazed how having chronic pain can make me so anxious and depressed. The simple formula is pain = bad, therefore mood = bad, right? In my case, it’s more than just “ugh, I have to work tomorrow and I have a flare-up and it’s going to suck”. Ok ok, that IS one of my current thoughts. What brings me down more is how often I think about my failures. I thought I was going to go to college and have a successful career doing something that I’m passionate about. Well, I DID go to college. I got a Bachelor’s degree in Music. What was I thinking?! Yes, I was involved with music since I was 13, but I wasn’t good enough to do anything with it. I thought I could maybe become a music teacher. I went to grad school for elementary education and couldn’t get a teaching job. Failure. I ended up back where I started, working at a pharmacy. My pay is even less than I was making as a tutor. I’m still paying off student loans (and so is my mom) for something that was a complete waste of time and money. I’m a married woman living in my parents house instead of my beautiful condo because the banks refused our loan (due to my employment history and bad credit). No matter what I set out to do, I fail. I’m a complete failure.
Then people say, “no you’re not, don’t say that” because they’re just being nice. It’s the truth. People can’t understand that I’m not happy. Really? I can’t even function normally. Taking a shower is like running a damn marathon. Going shopping is a nightmare. My husband tries to understand, but he doesn’t. My friends have absolutely no idea what I go through. They text me every once in a while to ask how I’m doing and I laugh thinking of how the hell to respond. My inlaws think I hate them because whenever there’s a birthday or something I miss it. I can’t work 9 hours then go and do something after. I literally feel like I got hit by a truck. Then there’s my favorite, “I hope you feel better!” UGH. I don’t have a cold, it’s not something that’s going away anytime soon.
Props to anyone who read this post!
“Regrets collect like old friends, here to relive your darkest moments, I can see no way, I can see no way…”